Urban Outfitters house dress, gifted flea market collected charm bracelet, See by Chloe boots, and daisies.
So... break ups are hard. It happened yesterday, and it's especially difficult when you feel like you were trying to fix it and everything had only been really bad the past week, and you try to help him see the light at the end of the tunnel. Afterward, I blamed myself, found myself at fault for everything. I did a lot of self-damage. I got home and sat down on the couch, I didn't know where to go from there, what to do, what the hell is next? He'd been a part of my life for 5+ months. I didn't want homework or ice cream or American Idol. I didn't know what the next step was. Being single sucks, but I couldn't imagine myself with anyone but him.
After waking up from a nightmare about him at 6:50 a.m. this morning, I sat down on the floor of my bedroom and cried for some time. I just couldn't believe it was the end. How he could just end it, just like that? It felt so... unfinished. But then I got up and spent the next hour going through my closet and purging myself of all the unwanted clothes I had and filled two trash bags full. I took a shower. I watched two movies (The Producers and The Odd Couple) and went to a piano lesson where my very funny and very literal teacher told me "No more boys for a while." My mother bought me two sets of flowers, including the daisies I'm holding, since in You've Got Mail (our favorite movie, Ive watched a million times) Meg Ryan professes her love towards daisies to Tom Hanks, saying "They're the friendliest flower." Then I put on this outfit and went and saw Suckerpunch with a good group of friends. I thought about the conversation he and I had had ten days earlier about going to see it. He was on a continuous loop of flashbacks in my head that I couldn't turn off. After the movie we all went to dinner, and I told my friends the full breakup story and they were all there for me: threatening to egg his house, damage his car, "ninja his ass", and more stuff like that.
Now Im here, writing this, and I feel better. Way better. It reminded me of the beauty of people and camaraderie and spending time with friends, not just your significant other, whom Id found myself caught up in recently.
The breakup was a huge slap in the face, and over the last 30+ hours Ive had time to self-reflect and see the destructive path I had been traveling on, which I wont go into. Ill just say this: I was unhappy, I was eating ice cream everyday, excessively shopping. I gained five pounds. But now this happened yesterday in March, and today its April, and its time to turn over a new leaf. My horoscope says to sever all ties to relationships that aren't working this month. And so I miss him, and his quiet quirks and affinity for electronic music, but its for the best. I have more time to work on the blog, play piano, take acting classes, finish that script I've been writing, read more books, balance my chakras, and take time to find myself again.
What I learned was that communication is the key to relationships, and if there is no talking, there is nothing. Maybe writing this will prove hurtful in the long run if one of his friends reads this, (Ben, stop reading, you have him all to yourself now, okay?), especially since part of me still wants to be back with him, (and I kinda feel like Jesse Eisenberg in the Social Network right about now) but I felt like my lovely readers should understand whats going on, and join me in starting on a new blank page.
Now excuse me, Ive got to go watch James Franco on The Late Show talk about the human instinct to survive, because hey, he is one good looking man, in a sea of very available fish out there... that I am just starting to dive in to.
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